In my life I have found some people easy to talk to and I’ve found some hard work; the people who became my real, true friends are the ones I found it really easy to have a proper conversation with.
Before a single shared memory was carved out, before any common ground was established I can honestly say that the people I’ve been closest to in my life somehow just talked my language. This revelation only occurred to me following a surprise visit from one of my oldest and most special friends recently. After I’d finally recovered from the shock of her unannounced arrival we walked and talked - it was hard not to be struck by just how exceptionally familiar it felt to be in her company –even though I hadn’t seen her in at least five years. Beyond that there was also something about her humorous intonations and turn of phrase that felt like a direct reflection of my youth. This extra layer of connection related back to when we first met – over half a life time ago. Back in the day sarcasm was a widely accepted currency and our brains certainly hadn’t forgotten the exchange rate! Some people just kind of belong to one another in that intrinsic manner which can never be undone –often on the basis of shared culture or history. I may have changed a little over the years but that shared past is still a part of who I am and sometimes, in the case of a friendship which spans a long period of time, it’s a massive part of who I am. Each new era and each new friend has probably had a layering effect on who I am but every layer counts. I still find it weird how purely by the accident of proximity we have all these meaningful connections with certain people. Well not always meaningful – I guess there’s some kind of sliding scale or something in which we bond with some people more easily than others, regardless of proximity. I’m intrigued to know if everyone’s positioning on that sliding scale is reciprocal... I feel friends should like each other an equal amount, whether that be a little or a lot - and I sort of sense we know where we stand on some level - but it bothers me that there could be room for misjudgement. I suppose people come to friendships from a personal place that affects how the friendships play out as well anyway. I’m interested to reflect that there are some re-occurring similarities in my friendships from across the years… My husband eyed me suspiciously when I first informed him as to my many male friends. ‘A lot of my best mates have been lads’ I confirmed as he shook his head and told me ‘Nooo – no they weren’t your mates Kath.’ ‘Except - Yes they bloody were!’ It’s that classic ‘When Harry Met Sally’ question…and clearly my husband is in the ‘they can’t just be friends’ camp (something for me to bear in mind for the rest of all time, should he ever mention a female friend…) but I know that I’m more ‘me’ bantering with the lads than discussing make-up with girls. That must in part be because I’ve been surrounded by lads all my life. From my earliest days I played with the boys of my mum’s best friend, our neighbours were boys, in fact all my earliest friendships were with boys. Then I think my preference for male company only grew once it became clear that my speaking is basically just a flow of consciousness. There’s a quote I keep seeing these days that says ‘Before you say something, think ‘Is it true, is it kind, is it helpful.’ Three filters! I don’t even have the most basic filter! If I think something – I say it. I also recognise that I have never really been one to surround myself with hordes of friends. Some people seem to love being in a group but I’ve never really felt very fulfilled in a group situation and so my female friendships have somehow repeatedly been limited to small groups. I’ve also repeatedly invested more time in special one to one friendships than in my networks of wider acquaintances. I guess this maybe came about because of the meaningfulness of my relationship with my ultimate best friend – my mum. Of the few people I have been close to there is always a real strength of character to their nature – they are bright, authentic women who have opinions of their own. I love that they challenge me to think in a more rounded way because they will tell me what they really think rather than saying what they think I want to hear. I know myself better because of these friendships - by challenging my opinions on things they have helped shape how I see the world. They also know me incredibly well because these are the people with whom I can be authentically, one hundred percent, me. That’s not to say I’m not authentically ‘me’ with other people – but there are facets of my personality that different people bring out of me and instinctively I present that part of myself which I know the other person will most relate to. The drive to connect is quite strong and yet, where it’s more of a stretch to find something in common I’m not at my best. For all I instinctively look for ways to relate to people over ‘interests’, I have no problem relating to people with a slightly different personality to me. It cannot be co-incidence that I have some very laid back, very positive friends. I have said before I feel quite bound by my own personality but by being with people who see things differently I think I balance my temperament and become that bit more rounded. I am not just me – I am a combination of all the people who influence me. Thank goodness!!! As I approach 40 I feel especially reflective of my friendships. I feel bad that I haven’t put more effort into some of my relationships because ‘life’ took over. I don’t know quite how some people slipped quietly away. The past decade has been very demanding of my time and energy and I suppose friendships are more likely to be pushed down the priority list. I feel sort of sad about it though. It easy to assume the other person isn’t that bothered about me anymore – but what if they just got busy too and think I’m not bothered about them?! I feel sad that my days of staying up all night putting the world to rights or chatting for hours in a play gym (albeit with constant interruptions) feel to be behind me - life is busy and demanding and what if I can’t find the time to put into my friendships – or worse still – what if in the future, when the kids are all grown up and I’m retired and I have loads of time there’s no friends left to share it with! I hope I can still be in touch with some of my most treasured friends into old age because I always sort of imagined I would be… I’m fascinated at the cross over of my friends, as in I see the people I’ve got on best with, getting on well with each other too. I’m freaked out when one friend knows another of my friends independently of me though – how, just how did they meet each other without me being involved or at least knowing about it?! It's just weird! I feel insecure and get pangs of jealousy seeing pics on facebook of massive groups of people out having ‘the best fun ever’ despite the fact that I’ve never really enjoyed being out in big groups anyway… and I worry that my friends like their other friends a whole lot more than they like me because it certainly looks like they do on facebook. I love that, even though I get jealous sometimes when I see friends doing something fun, I am ultimately just inspired. They definitely push me to do more and achieve more and I'm grateful of that. I wonder who my children will be friends with in the future and what influences those friends will have on them - and I wonder if I’ll meet new friends in the future myself who will come to be important to me… And most of all I wonder how I got so lucky with some of the people I’ve been blessed to have in my life. I tend not let on but they mean a lot to me really.
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